Other highlights: made breakfast, changed sheets.

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I’ll tell you a secret, man. Before I started this job, i had a dream that i got this job! Not this job, specifically, but I dreamed that I worked with architects. Ok, there are no architects in this office. But it’s like that.

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Did you know that the Pentagon (and they ADMITTED this!) gets a lot of ideas for the wars and stuff that they do from the movies in Hollywood? And it goes the other way too. So stuff in movies is all true. That’s how you know that people really do hear voices in their heads all the time, and that’s what causes them to commit crimes. ‘Cause it’s in the movies.

Don’t you hear voices? I hear voices. Not like human voices, but you know that someone or some thing is there telling you stuff. Like, when you sleep. What was that movie with Tom Cruise? That famous movie; I always see the commercial. It was like a big dream, but it seemed so realistic. The one with Larry Fishburn. The Matrix!!! That’s the one. When I saw that, I didn’t know what was real and what was unreal. That part blew my head off! But I didn’t see part two.

Now if you look at that movie, like things unseen, like demons, that’s very real. Like if you ever wake up, and you’re still in a dream. In the reading that i’ve done, when you’re asleep, you’re actually dead. Not like actually dead, but in a state of death. And that’s why you have no control of your dreams. You may not believe me, but I can see you’re thinking about this.

But that’s what the matrix is all about.

For instance, my son. He’s eight years old. He has a problem with wetting the bed. My wife says, don’t beat him. But i have to do something ’cause everytime he wets the bed, he has to take a shower, and i pay the water bill, and that gets really expensive. And when i have to take his clothes to the laundry-mat, I have to pay for the soap. So i thought maybe i’ll beat him.

And i said, “remember, when you’re asleep it’s like you’re dead.” So when you’re dreaming that you’re at the toilet and peeing, you’re really peeing. And i say, “wake yourself up when you’re peeing,” but he can’t because it’s like he’s dead!

People, when they go to sleep, have no control over themselves. You have a dream that you’re a millionaire, and you wake up and you’re still poor. Like, you’ve had bad dreams and good dreams before, right? I kept having a dream that i was fired from my job, like i kept getting a pink slip.

I’ll be honest with you, those movies like the Exorcist and stuff, I used to watch those from behind the seat in the theater ’cause i knew when i went to sleep, i was gonna be having bad dreams. I was terrified. Where do these bad dreams come from?

You believe in dreams, right? Dude, doctors are trying to find out where dreams come from. They can’t investigate dreams ’cause they can’t get in your mind. For instance, neurgical [sic] diseases, that’s why they can’t cure them. Because they can’t get inside your mind. My son, his eyes they jump and the neurologist couldn’t find anything. It’s like seizures, and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Like the chainsaw massacre. I heard that movie’s a true story. I saw that in high school, and I didn’t know it was true. The original one. Somebody’s going around chopping people up with a chainsaw. When i was a kid, I thought nobody could be this crazy, but…

I had some friends, man, who went to Africa, and they met people who play with the devil for real. When i tell you stuff, even if you don’t beleive me, you’re gonna be like this is SPOO-KY! In Africa, stuff like Voodoo and that, that stuff is real. Like that movie, The Wishmaster. In the beginning of the movie they show people getting throats cut and stuff.

See i have these friends who used to pay people to do Voodoo stuff. Like take that to the Voodoo guy, and he’ll start invoking the devil. I can see you don’t believe me but this stuff is very real. Very real. Like there was a guy with a woman who was attracted to him, but she was married. And the next morning he woke up and he was vomiting. There was fever and he was sweating on his back. And he thinks it’s because this woman put something on him.

I’m telling you man, it’s the truth. Believe me when i tell you. Like go to the library, or like you do on the Internet. You can trace it back before mankind, like where it’s from and how it came here and who can see it.

In africa, it’s a business. And people pay a lot of money to put curses on people, stuff like that. A lot of money.

Yup, yup, yup.

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What a nice guy.

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My adoring fans will be pleased to hear that one of the dozen or so Colombians in my apartment managed to put me out before any extensive damage was done to my long, flowing, golden (and by golden, I mean muddy brown) locks. And I successfully avoided a major “Phantom of the Opera” situation. The bandages should be coming off soon, and I can get back to modelling.

I can’t help but think that this is exactly the kind of accident that is notorious for giving mild-mannered scientist-types like me super-human powers. It would be hard to tell in someone already as uniquely strong, capable and invincible as I. And if anything, I’ve been feeling a bit less of an übermensch than usual. But I’m pretty sure I detected a couple gamma rays in the blue wax on my nose. I’m thinking the exact correct balance of fire combined with blue wax will allow me to shoot some kind of hot, blue, sweet-smelling liquid out of my head at my enemies. Or maybe some kind of psychic ability to seek out rooms in need of a little Essence de L’eau.

So far, nothing yet. But I’m holding out for some kind of laser vision. Or at least a pair of antennae. I’ll settle for anything that’ll make crime-fighting easier so I can spend more time at home playing my new 8-bit Nintendo.

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