Super Human

A few days ago, I accidentally set my hair on fire. I blew out a blue Essence de L’eau scented candle that had served its purpose, and I gave it quite a bit more breath than it needed (no small feat for me these days). The extra wind (shut up) forced a spark into my hair, and more than a little blue wax on to my face. I guess the flame combined with one of the many, many ingredients in the expensive, personalized cocktail of gels and creams that I must apply every day to get the unique “Chirls Look.” It was like having my own personal Backdraft (shut up).

My adoring fans will be pleased to hear that one of the dozen or so Colombians in my apartment managed to put me out before any extensive damage was done to my long, flowing, golden (and by golden, I mean muddy brown) locks. And I successfully avoided a major “Phantom of the Opera” situation. The bandages should be coming off soon, and I can get back to modelling.

I can’t help but think that this is exactly the kind of accident that is notorious for giving mild-mannered scientist-types like me super-human powers. It would be hard to tell in someone already as uniquely strong, capable and invincible as I. And if anything, I’ve been feeling a bit less of an ubermensch than usual. But I’m pretty sure I detected a couple gamma rays in the blue wax on my nose. I’m thinking the exact correct balance of fire combined with blue wax will allow me to shoot some kind of hot, blue, sweet-smelling liquid out of my head at my enemies. Or maybe some kind of psychic ability to seek out rooms in need of a little Essence de L’eau.

So far, nothing yet. But I’m holding out for some kind of laser vision. Or at least a pair of antennae. I’ll settle for anything that’ll make crime-fighting easier so I can spend more time at home playing my new 8-bit Nintendo.