Brian Chirls

On Rosh Hashanah It is Written…

Book of Life, Volume 5,763
Entry #4,043,867,511: Chirls

Though 5763 has, in some ways, been a year of improvement for Mr. Chirls, he is still considered a “heavy hitter” among sinners. He has shown a significant decrease in gambling, larceny and violent crime. However, he still commits a broad range of sins against both Man and God, and his accounting practices can be described as “dodgy” at best.

The following is a list of the most frequent and/or offensive sins committed by Mr. Chirls in the year 5763:

Sins Against Man
- Bearing false witness
- Malicious gossip
- Making fun of A.B. for being so little
- Not liking One Hundred Years of Solitude
- Spreading the Sobig virus
- Chewing with mouth open
- Drunken singing
- File-sharing
- Insider trading
- Price-fixing
- General misogynistic behavior
- Excessive use of “finger quotes”
- Allowing major Colombian drug operation to run out of his living room
- Coveting neighbor’s wife, maidservant, ox and ass
- Failing to see friends’ plays in Fringe Festival
- Seeing The Lion King on Broadway (see also “Sins Against God”)
- Not scrubbing hard enough when cleaning the tub
- Treason

Sins Against God
- Original Sin
- Blasphemy
- Idolatry (possession of graven images with intent to sell)
- Sloth
- Gluttony
- Double Parking
- Neither observing the Sabbath, nor keeping it holy
- Seeing The Lion King on Broadway
- Singing “Hakuna Matata” on the way home from seeing The Lion King on Broadway
- Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain
- Onanism

Sins Committed by Chirls in 5763, Compared with U.S.A. National Average

Outlook for 5764
In light of the above sins and Mr. Chirls’s utter lack of atonement, the new year will include the following:
- A new, discourteous roommate who speaks poor English
- Chronic athlete’s foot
- Low quality mobile phone service
- No more good thai restaurants in the neighborhood that will deliver
- IRS Audit
- A little jail time
- Lactose intolerance
- an extended “dry spell”

Because of a rare act of kindness in which Mr. Chirls selflessly bought a round of drinks for a bachelorette party of women he did not at all find attractive, he will receive one perfect extra-lean pastrami sandwich in the year 5764.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 10th, 2003 at 1:19:37 pm and is filed under Arts, Culture and The Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.