Brian Chirls

The Truth. The Real, Serious Truth

The following is an excerpt of a conversation I had with…err…the conversation someone in the office had with…himself. This is all true. This transcript is almost verbatim, but not perfect, as I can only type so fast. It picks up in the middle, and the gentleman went on quite a bit longer, but this is what I managed to record. He didn’t seem to notice that I was typing the whole time he was talking, and he doesn’t seem to know how to use the Internet. So I don’t expect him to find this.

Did you know that the Pentagon (and they ADMITTED this!) gets a lot of ideas for the wars and stuff that they do from the movies in Hollywood? And it goes the other way too. So stuff in movies is all true. That’s how you know that people really do hear voices in their heads all the time, and that’s what causes them to commit crimes. ‘Cause it’s in the movies.

Don’t you hear voices? I hear voices. Not like human voices, but you know that someone or some thing is there telling you stuff. Like, when you sleep. What was that movie with Tom Cruise? That famous movie; I always see the commercial. It was like a big dream, but it seemed so realistic. The one with Larry Fishburn. The Matrix!!! That’s the one. When I saw that, I didn’t know what was real and what was unreal. That part blew my head off! But I didn’t see part two.

Read on →

On Rosh Hashanah It is Written…

**Book of Life, Volume 5,763

Entry #4,043,867,511: Chirls**

Though 5763 has, in some ways, been a year of improvement for Mr. Chirls, he is still considered a “heavy hitter” among sinners. He has shown a significant decrease in gambling, larceny and violent crime. However, he still commits a broad range of sins against both Man and God, and his accounting practices can be described as “dodgy” at best.

The following is a list of the most frequent and/or offensive sins committed by Mr. Chirls in the year 5763:

Sins Against Man

  • Bearing false witness

  • Malicious gossip

  • Making fun of A.B. for being so little

  • Not liking One Hundred Years of Solitude

  • Spreading the Sobig virus

  • Chewing with mouth open

  • Drunken singing

  • File-sharing

  • Insider trading

  • Price-fixing

  • General misogynistic behavior

  • Excessive use of “finger quotes”

  • Allowing major Colombian drug operation to run out of his living room

  • Coveting neighbor’s wife, maidservant, ox and ass

  • Failing to see friends’ plays in Fringe Festival

  • Seeing The Lion King on Broadway (see also “Sins Against God”)

  • Not scrubbing hard enough when cleaning the tub

  • Treason

Sins Against God

  • Original Sin

  • Blasphemy

  • Idolatry (possession of graven images with intent to sell)

  • Sloth

  • Gluttony

  • Double Parking

  • Neither observing the Sabbath, nor keeping it holy

  • Seeing The Lion King on Broadway

  • Singing “Hakuna Matata” on the way home from seeing The Lion King on Broadway

  • Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

  • Onanism

Sins Committed by Chirls in 5763, Compared with U.S.A. National Average

This will do you no good on a text-only browser.

Outlook for 5764

In light of the above sins and Mr. Chirls’s utter lack of atonement, the new year will include the following:

  • A new, discourteous roommate who speaks poor English

  • Chronic athlete’s foot

  • Low quality mobile phone service

  • No more good thai restaurants in the neighborhood that will deliver

  • IRS Audit

  • A little jail time

  • Lactose intolerance

  • an extended “dry spell”

Because of a rare act of kindness in which Mr. Chirls selflessly bought a round of drinks for a bachelorette party of women he did not at all find attractive, he will receive one perfect extra-lean pastrami sandwich in the year 5764.

Heroes

I ran into Steve Martin in a book store today. He didn’t remember my name, but I could tell he recognized me. He said he hasn’t gotten around to reading my screenplay yet. I think I’ll send him another copy in case he lost it or something.

What a nice guy.

Super Human

A few days ago, I accidentally set my hair on fire. I blew out a blue Essence de L’eau scented candle that had served its purpose, and I gave it quite a bit more breath than it needed (no small feat for me these days). The extra wind (shut up) forced a spark into my hair, and more than a little blue wax on to my face. I guess the flame combined with one of the many, many ingredients in the expensive, personalized cocktail of gels and creams that I must apply every day to get the unique “Chirls Look.” It was like having my own personal Backdraft (shut up).

My adoring fans will be pleased to hear that one of the dozen or so Colombians in my apartment managed to put me out before any extensive damage was done to my long, flowing, golden (and by golden, I mean muddy brown) locks. And I successfully avoided a major “Phantom of the Opera” situation. The bandages should be coming off soon, and I can get back to modelling.

I can’t help but think that this is exactly the kind of accident that is notorious for giving mild-mannered scientist-types like me super-human powers. It would be hard to tell in someone already as uniquely strong, capable and invincible as I. And if anything, I’ve been feeling a bit less of an ubermensch than usual. But I’m pretty sure I detected a couple gamma rays in the blue wax on my nose. I’m thinking the exact correct balance of fire combined with blue wax will allow me to shoot some kind of hot, blue, sweet-smelling liquid out of my head at my enemies. Or maybe some kind of psychic ability to seek out rooms in need of a little Essence de L’eau.

So far, nothing yet. But I’m holding out for some kind of laser vision. Or at least a pair of antennae. I’ll settle for anything that’ll make crime-fighting easier so I can spend more time at home playing my new 8-bit Nintendo.